Unfortunately many people have had–and will have–occasion to write a letter of condolence to a friend, relative, colleague or acquaintance who has suffered the death of a loved one to Covid-19. It’s an uncomfortable task, but you shouldn’t put it off.
These are tough letters to write. Here are some suggestions for expressing sympathy clearly and supportively.
Email is fine, but avoid texting. In typical circumstances, a letter of condolence should be written by pen on paper and sent in the mail. But there is little that is typical about current circumstances.
If you do send an email, remember, many mourners save condolence letters and turn back to them in times of reflection, so make sure your email is a thoughtful one.
No emoji. You don’t have to be stuffy or stiff, but it’s okay to convey an air of solemnity, even as you express personal warmth.
Be direct. This isn’t the time for small talk or meandering introductions. Start with the reason you are writing. I was so sorry to learn of the death of your mother.
Be gentle. The word death is powerful. You might want to try passed or loss when you write about what happened.
Be specific. Explain how you knew the deceased, how well you knew the person and the role that the person played in your life. You might be writing to someone who doesn’t know you, so you might tell them that you had played golf with him in college and that he was not only a great golfer but a great person too. In fact, he was the only guy you ever saw who got a hole in one.
People love stories so don’t be shy to tell a funny story. The mourner probably could use the laugh and cherish the memory.
You might also focus on the survivor and comfort her. It would lift her spirits to know that you remembered her mother as a kind and loving person who was also a great cook.
Be forthright. If you have been in an adversarial relationship with someone it’s not a bad idea to nod to the existing tension and move on. Bury the hatchet.
Acknowledge current circumstances. Comfort the reader by acknowledging the dreadful circumstances we are living in, when we could not even sit with the deceased, nor could we be supported by members of the extended family. It is truly unfair and heart breaking.
Brevity is fine. Don’t be afraid to keep the message short.
To conclude, you could offer a wish for a better tomorrow, and let the person know that you would like to speak to her again or visit if she would welcome company.
Use whatever term of farewell that feels right for you. When we sign letters we often sign Sincerely, which is a good word to demonstrate your sympathy.
This blog is a shortened version of an article by Katherine Rosman, published in the New York Times